As I’m sure you’ve noticed, I’ve been extra special good this year, even taking on some of your work load… by stuffing as many stockings as I can. So it’s with great admiration and what I’m sure is mutual respect that I humbly submit to you my Christmas list for this year.

And bro, if you have a sec, wake me up — I’d really like to talk to you about how you sneak out of so many women’s houses undetected. I’m good, but I’m not that good.

Joseph,

There are only three appropriate venues for expressing one’s emotions. I call them the 3 D’s: Dinner, During Sex, Deathbed.

DINNER: Your girlfriend wants you to express your feelings? Fine. Cover her hand with your own, look deep into her eyes, and tell her in a soft voice how you regret not ordering an appetizer. This action is international girl-speak for “I am revealing the secret depths of my soul,” so it doesn’t have to be about appetizers — any honest feeling you have about the quality of food or service will have her eating out of your hand.

DURING SEX: One of the seemingly infinite benefits of sex is that there’s so much activity, coordination and noise, you can get away with saying almost anything*. Thus, sex is the ideal time to honestly express doubts about your employability, gambling addiction, or even your long-term relationship potential.

DEATHBED: Since it’s really tough to be mad at someone who is about to die, your deathbed is an excellent time to really go bananas with your feelings. Insecurities, infidelities, incisions…anything you’ve kept hidden over the years can be freely discussed with little fear of retribution. As an added bonus, some girls enjoy a sensitive side and become easily confused when faced with the grim certitude of death…play your cards right and you might be able to squeeze two in that deathbed before the buzzer goes off. (NOTE: For all the above reasons, feigning your own terminal illness and deathbed scenario can be a cathartic experience).

An experienced lover like me is pretty familiar with the various ins, outs and ins of pretty much any sexual encounter. But I wasn’t born that way. It took work. Now we’ve all heard the phrase practice makes perfect, but how do you take it to the next level? You put your nose to the grindstone and do some good ol’ fashioned research.

It was in doing that research that I stumbled upon a treasure trove of information from the most unlikely of sources: Canada – America’s frozen helmet. The biggest surprise isn’t that they’re into some freaky sex acts (after all, their national vehicle is the zam-BONE-i), it’s the fact that they knew how to turn a computer on.